One of my clients was researching her dysfunctional, emotionally abusive, narcissistic personality disordered ex-boyfriend in hopes of maintaining our agreed upon no contact rule, when she ran across an interesting comment. That the narcissistic male is attracted to emotionally generous women. They can smell them a mile away. They see their generosity as an easy mark. She admitted regretfully that she was guilty as charged.

I had to agree. And I loved the concept. Generosity is highly valued in our culture. And yet, here is a case where there is too much generosity. Where the generosity is taken advantage of, and used for devious and exploitive purposes.

The mental health equivalent of the person who is too emotionally generous would be the dependent personality disorder. We went over the criteria and though she didn’t meet the threshold to have the full fledged disorder, she met enough of the criteria to at least say she had traits of this disorder.

And yet, the balanced individual who is emotionally generous is the picture of good mental health. Loving and generous, open and sharing.

As I continued thinking about this on the way home, I read an email from a colleague I had submitted a project proposal to. Her reply was, on the surface nice enough, but I realized it was devoid of feeling or any sincere appreciation. She was an emotional miser! And be assured, I’d felt this in her before, so I was pretty sure it wasn’t the product of a harried and stressful day.
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Having a name for it made me feel better. It also made me value deeply my loved ones, friends, clients, and even strangers on the street who are emotionally generous with me.

And so the moral of the story is from the fairy tale character that I most liked dressing up like for Halloween when I was a little girl – Little Red Riding Hood. We don’t want the soup to be too hot, or too cold, but just right. Not too generous, not too miserly, but just right — balance in all things.

After I wrote this blog entry I looked up emotional generosity and was surprised to find 6 and ½ million results. Wow. Later . . . tips on how to become more emotionally generous from one of the most famous books on the planet.

Sanity now!