Dear Ask My Jackie,

I understand that life consists of growth and transitions, but some transitions are overwhelming. I’ve faced marriage, divorce, re-marriage, childbirth, empty nest, and now, the so called “twilight years.” This was supposed to be the reward for persevering the previous transitions and surviving relatively intact. However, last week I had the sensation of being swept up in an ocean wave with the sand rushing from under my feet. Fortunately it was fleeting and not a full blown panic attack, but I am facing my husband’s retirement. I am his only hobby per se, but I am accustomed to being home alone and living on my own schedule. What is a good technique to guide him to develop interests in life beyond his former life of workaholic?  It calls to mind teaching an infant to self-soothe. I am comfortable in my routine. The panic/agitation is the change in my routine by feeling as though I must entertain or constantly engage my spouse. It seems that time apart creates time and experiences to share. I suppose the best way to pose this question is, “How do I teach an old dog new tricks and not lose my own sanity in the process?”

–Swept Up

Dear Swept Up,

You ask an excellent question and you express yourself very well. Have you considered taking up blogging as a hobby? 😉

To your first comment about the rewards for persevering: I congratulate you on surviving everything that life has thrown you up until this point, but surely you have learned that life has no guarantees. Surviving one transition is no guarantee that you’ll survive the others. After all, what is life except facing ourselves? That can come at age 16 or 76.

As to being your husband’s only hobby and wanting techniques to guide him and teach the old dog new tricks: Frankly, I would let that sleeping dog lie! The mental health mantra is and always will be, “You can’t change others; you can only change yourself.” (Except for mental health professionals, because we have a license to change others!)

To your final question then, how to prevent yourself from losing your mind and being swept up in a sea of panic and distress from the very serious syndrome, “dogged husband under foot all day?”
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I think this conundrum falls under the category of—what’s the lesson in this experience? Is it that you need more hobbies that will take you away from the house, now that he will be there 24/7? Is it that you two need some sessions with a marriage counselor or a marital retreat so that love has a chance of being fun again?  Do you need to assess whether or not you want to stay in said marriage that has apparently reached the point where you no longer enjoy time alone with the dog, er, man.

Now for the question underneath the question: Why does life have to change? I was just getting used to things the way they were. Ah, that is a doggone good question. Life changes because without change we would never be forced to reevaluate ourselves and our lives. Please do that now. It might get you out of the doghouse that has become your new life.

Ok, enough with the dog metaphors already! Good luck to you, and think about my blogging suggestion.

Sanity now!