Dear Readers:
Welcome to the launching of “Ask My Jackie,” an advice column modeled after our beloved Dear Abby, Ann Landers, Dear Prudence, and my personal favorite, Carolyn Hax. If you don’t find the advice you are looking for here, check out one of these other awesome resources.
To submit a question, see the “Ask My Jackie” link at the top of every page.
Please note: your name will not be posted. Questions may be edited for space. Leave a comment. We’d love to hear from you!
I will continue to post about all things mental health related and intersperse with “Ask My Jackie” Q&As.
–MJ
Dear Ask My Jackie,
— Person from the 50’s.
Dear Person from the 50’s,
Most of the time I hear from people who are already unhappily coupled. It’s much easier to try and fix mistakes before they happen. So congrats to you for being proactive!
You bring up a lot of good questions, and I will try to address each one of them. And I’ll throw in a few answers to questions you did not ask!
Book recommendation first. I’ve heard that Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg’s bestseller, “Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead,” is awesome. (Breaking news: she just sold the movie rights to Sony Pictures.) I haven’t read the book, but my oldest daughter wholehearted recommends it. I understand it focuses on the subjects you mentioned. Please leave a comment/review on this post, if you do read it.
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In school, or at work, we feel we are in control of our destiny. Oh sure, there are professors, or bosses we don’t like, but we can also do workarounds; change classes or majors, look for another job, ask for a transfer, etc. So control still resides within us. Most of us like having that control.
In the relationship world though, if we want to be happy and healthy, we learn to give up control. We surrender to the relationship itself, and do what’s best for it. Both the man and the woman do this. Most of the couples counseling I do involves one partner who cannot do this. He or she cannot compromise, give in, or retreat. Why? It’s a control thing.
It’s that little piece of you that fears giving up control that is operating here. But I don’t think you have a thing to worry about. I predict you will be very successful in your work. It sounds like you’re hard-wired for it. With just a little bit of acceptance, on your part, a successful relationship will come next.
A wise man once said our weaknesses are the flip side of our strengths. In this case, your strength is that you are take charge. But your weakness is that you can’t surrender. Don’t be afraid to give up that need to be in charge, when the right guy comes along. But don’t forget, he has to give up control too. Then you’ll be a happy, healthy couple.
So do you see? There is nothing wrong with you! You’re normal. Please don’t try to change this part of yourself. Be yourself. Love yourself. Klutzy quirks and all. It wouldn’t hurt to laugh at yourself!
Another piece of advice: Lowering the stakes by cultivating friendships with guys is also a healthier approach than seeing every guy as potential relationship material. And I don’t mean friends with benefits. That is one tip from the 50’s that I think still works in this century. So no sex, unless you’re pretty darn sure he’s “the one.” That’s one klutzy mistake you want to try and avoid.
Since we’re talking about the 50’s—I’m in agreement with women who let men initiate relationships. The reason for this, however, is not about women’s rights, or equality, or anything else that I believe in wholeheartedly.
It’s because women are more emotional than men, and that’s not stereotyping, that’s estrogen. Because we tend to be more emotional, in the beginning of the relationship, I think we are much happier if we feel pursued and nurtured. (And honestly, if he can’t pass that test, you want to know up front.)
Of course, there is a balance in all things, so don’t be coy, let him know you’re interested. Once you’re sure of the commitment of the guy, and your estrogen need to be needed is balanced out, then look for totally equality in all aspects of the relationship. Actually, I look for women to hold more of the power at that point, but that’s a topic for another time.
And please give the “creepy” guys a chance, some sympathy, or a hand out for friendship. Maybe they are just feeling klutzy too!
Sanity now!
